I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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