The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
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