By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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