This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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