girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
