I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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