it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
