Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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