The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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