Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
