my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
