You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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