It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
