so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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