Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
