Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
