better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize