i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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