life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i now understand why vodka
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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