I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
