do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize