you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
