nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Houston, we have a blender
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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