why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
