In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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