im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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