She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
