OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
