Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
