I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
