im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
