The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
