u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
