I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
