I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
