you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
