Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
