Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I intend to get homeless drunk
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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