At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
