I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
