one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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