I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
