every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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