Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
