thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
