We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
