the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think my moral compass just broke
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize