mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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