Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
