I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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