whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
organizing the empties. That sober.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
