i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
