Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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