You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
