My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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