I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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