So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize