glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
