I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
