so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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