im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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