where am i from again
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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