you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
