bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize