I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
