in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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