dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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