I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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