Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
