you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
