Betty ford says i'm here all night
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
