Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
