So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
